We're facebook friends in real life
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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