I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
