I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
