we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
