Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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