new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just invented taco cereal.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
