And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
