she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
