A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
