i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
