listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
