You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
