I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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