i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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