i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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