Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
