when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
