...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
