Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
