Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Randomize
