I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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