I'm so fucking centered right now
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize