Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
