just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize