I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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