I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
