totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
