i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
