My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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