gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
