I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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