SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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