Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
