Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize