can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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