just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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