I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
