I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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