it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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