I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
