Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize