she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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