You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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