we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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