College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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