Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize