I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
