He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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