It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
