You're completely useless in the revolution.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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