Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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