I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
