im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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