First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
