my mouth tastes like poor choices
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
