I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
