My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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