dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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