I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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