My Higher Power is John Stamos
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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