she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
